It's My Birthday So I Call The Shots Around Here
by The Phantom Parisienne
Summary: A little story written in honour of Coolgirlgray's birthday... It's Raoul's twenty first birthday, and Erik's getting jealous...


Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING!  BLAH ON YOU!!!

A/N- This is a birthday present to coolgirlgray.  Happy b-day!!!!!! ^__^  

"_It's My Birthday So I Call The Shots Around Here_"

(STAIRCASE OF THE OPERA.  THERE IS AN ENORMOUS BIRTHDAY CAKE THAT SAYS "HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY ————" IT WAS BLURRED BADLY, AS CARLOTTA HAD DECIDED TO MAKE A MIDMORNING SNACK.)

Carlotta: I really want to eat this cake....grr...

Carolus Fonta (who I personally believe is ignored too much and doesn't get enough glory): I'm just glad that I get a speaking part!

Carlotta: You just blew it, buddy.  You were only permitted one line!  HAH!

Carolus Fonta: T_T *opens mouth to say something but*

(CONFETTI POURS FROM CEILING AND THE OPERA CHORUS STARTS SINGING A 19th CENTURY RENDITION OF "HAPPY BIRTHDAY")

Raoul: *leaps in from chandelier* *no-one asks*  HI!  I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'RE SINGING MY BIRTHDAY SONG..SO..ERM..HAPPY PIE!!!!

Erik: *poofs in from nowhere* Stupid fop...it's cake!

Every girl in 10-mile radius: *swoons*

Erik: *blinks* I have that much of an effect on females...?

Christine: *trance-like* *nods* ^-^

Erik: That's a useful talent. *laughs manically*

EGI10MR: *faint*

Erik: ^_^

Christine: *faints into Erik's arms*

Erik: I think I like this. 

Raoul: HEY!  It's not your birthday!  It's mine and I want Christine!

Erik: I don't know my birthday, so there's a one in three hundred sixty-five chance that today is my real birthday, but I really doubt that the gods are so cruel as to doom me to share your "special day."  *rolls eyes*

Raoul: Well...I WANT CAKE!!! *dives face-first into cake and is soon covered in icing*  I AM TARZAN, KING OF THE JUNGLE!!!!  OOOOOOAAAAAEEEEEIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!

Everyone in 10 mile radius, including all females, in their unconsciousness: *cover ears* AUGH!  STOP THE PAIN!

Raoul: *blinks innocently* Did I do anything wrong?? ^^;;;

Richard: No, brilliant one, of course not.  You just scared the entire population of Paris AWAY from my Opera House!  Moncharmin, I _told you_ that billboards and "My Mother Went to Paris And She Got Me This Crappy Shirt From the Opéra" shirts were necessary to boost attendance!  TT

Moncharmin: *meekly* What with his performance, I don't think we'll get _anyone_ to come.

(THEY ALL LOOK AT RAOUL, WHO HAS NOW CONSUMED ALL OF THE CAKE)

Raoul: What????  I was hungry!!!!

Christine: Well...it -is- his birthday.

(FLASH TO INTERIOR OF PHILIPPE'S MANSION.)

Philippe: *is hiding inside a closet, shaking violently* It only lasts for a day...only a day...

(FLASH BACK TO OPERA STAIRCASE.)

Raoul: I think it's —

*drumroll*

PRESENT TIME!!!!!!!  *sings Secret Agent Man theme song*

The Phantom Parisienne: *voice from nowhere* Raoul, I  suggest you shut up before I find it necessary to hurt you.  Besides, you stole my song!!!

Raoul: Secret...nuh nuh...agent man!  Secret...nuh nuh...agent man!  They've given you a  number...and taken away your name...nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh...

The Phantom Parisienne: All right, foppie!  YOU ASKED FOR IT! 

(A SIXTEEN TON WEIGHT FALLS FROM THE CEILING AND SMASHES RAOUL.  THE PHANTOM PARISIENNE IS GONE.)

Raoul: X_x;;;;;;;;;;

Everyone except Raoul: *cheer*

Raoul: *surprisingly ok for reasons that even I cannot comprehend because he was really supposed to die but this leaves him open to more torture kay I'll shut up* *gets out* Erm...can I open my presents now?

Moncharmin: Sure...I guess...

Raoul: YAYITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *does the Cancan and abruptly stops at a large pile of colourful presents*

(SOME OF THE PRESENTS SEEM TO BE "MOOING" AND TICKING LIKE CLOCKS.)

Erik: Why don't you open this one? *grabs a relatively safe-looking box*

Raoul: *eyes it* That looks fine. *tears open the wrapping paper* A JACK IN THE BOX!  AWW!!!  HOW SWEET!  *looks at card* Can someone read this for me?

Erik: "To Raoul de Chagny.  From O.G."

Richard: Who the hell is he?

Moncharmin: Opera ghost, it's really not amusing—

The Phantom Parisienne: *voice from nowhere* SHUT UP!  This is book-based, idiots!

Moncharmin/Richard: ^^;;;;

The Phantom Parisienne: Now, Erik, do continue.

Erik: Do you like your present?

Raoul: *ignores him and winds it up*

(THE JACK IN THE BOX SPRINGS OPEN AND PUNJABS HIM TO THE TUNE OF THE PHANTOM OVERTURE.)

Erik: ^___^  

Raoul: X.x;;;;

Christine: *sighs* Erik, it's his birthday.  Be nice to him for ONE DAY.  Please? *puppy eyes*

Erik: Cannot..resist..please...

Christine: *grins evilly and kisses him very end-of-story style*

Erik: *kisses back*

Christine: *deepens kiss*

Raoul: *thinks they're making out...which they sort of are* YOU LITTLE HARLOT!

Christine:  Raoul! *lets go of Erik* I can choose where I love!

Raoul: Not today you can't! ^___^ *grabs Christine*

Erik: OFF HER! *pulls at Christine's arm*

Raoul: *pulls at Christine's other arm*

Christine: O_O

Erik: MINE! *tugs*

Raoul: NO!  MINE! *tugs harder*

Christine: Please, let go...this is starting to hurt me...O_O

Erik/Raoul: *ignore her* TT;

(THIS CONTINUES FOR QUITE SOME TIME.  THE ONLOOKERS PLACE BETS ON THE WINNER, AND CAROLUS FONTA IS HAPPILY COUNTING VOTES.  BY THE WAY THAT WASN'T A SPEAKING LINE.)

Carolus Fonta: *high pitched female scream*  T____T

(AND NEITHER WAS THAT.  HAHAHA YOU FOOL. I AM TPP, MISTRESS OF EVIL!  BOW TO M—*cut off suddenly and muffled monkey sounds can be heard* NUU!!!  LET GO!)

Erik: All right, de Chagny...

Raoul: *perky* YOU'LL LET ME HAVE HER?! ^_^

Erik: Of course not, stupid! I'm going to do what I was planning on doing all along.

Raoul: And that is...?

Erik: *body-slams Raoul and grabs Christine*

Christine: *reluctant to go*

Erik: Erm.... Christine?

Christine: Yes, Erik?

Erik: Why don't you want to come?

Christine: Because it's Raoul's birthday.  

Erik: *sneaky look* While we were fighting I remembered that tomorrow is my -real- birthday.

Christine: Really? *eyes brighten*

Erik: Yes, really. ^-^

Christine: But today is Raoul's day, I'm afraid.

Raoul: ^_^ That's right, dear.  *hugs her*

Christine: *hugs him slightly*

Erik: T_T  This is _so_ unfair.

Christine/Raoul: *happily walk off into the sunset*

Erik: ACK!  This is ridiculous!

Carolus Fonta: *tries to point something out but is cut off by Moncharmin*

Moncharmin: There's still Carlotta, Meg, Jammes, Sorelli...and Madame Giry! ^_^  And Richard.

Erik: *blinks* Repeat that.

Moncharmin: Oh!  My bad....I did _not_ mean to say that...*pales*  Anyway...

Erik: Well...tomorrow's tomorrow.  And I _always_ have another chance.  Hmm...let's see what's in these presents of his.

(FIVE HOURS LATER: THE FLOOR IS LITTERED WITH TELETUBBIES, BARNEY PLUSHIES, AND FREE PASSES TO SESAME PLACE.)

Erik: I should've known.  TT


End file.
